I chose to lie, I chose to dissemble,
我选择了谎言和掩饰，
because when I thought about the possibility of coming out, about how that might impact me and the career I’d worked so hard for, I was filled with fear. Fear and anger and a stubborn resistance that had built up over many years.
因为当我想到出柜可能会对我和我为之奋斗的事业所带来的影响时，我内心充满了恐惧和愤怒，以及多年来累积的顽固抵触情绪。
When I thought about that kid somewhere out there who might be inspired or moved by me taking a stand and speaking my truth, my mental response was consistently, ‘No, thank you.’
当我想到也许会有哪里的孩子会因为我表明态度或讲出实情而受到鼓舞和感动，我内心一直未变的反应是：不了，谢谢。
I thought, I’ve spent over a decade building this career, alone, by myself, and from a certain point of view, it’s all I have.
我深知这是我通过数十年的努力建立起来的事业，从某个角度来讲，除此我一无所有。
But now I’m supposed to put that at risk to be a role model, to someone I’ve never met, who I’m not even sure exists.
但是现在我却要把这一切置于险境，去做一个我素未谋面或者我根本不知道是否存在的人的榜样。
That didn’t make any sense to me. That did not resonate… at the time.
这对我来说毫无意义，所以当时我没有认同。
Also, like many of you here tonight, growing up I was a target.
和今晚晚大多数在坐的人一样，在成长过程中我就是一个被瞄准的靶心。
Speaking the right way, standing the right way, holding your wrist the right way.
说话要规范，站姿要端正，双手要放好。
Every day was a test and there were a thousand ways to fail.
每天都是一次测验，有无数次的机会不及格。
A thousand ways to betray yourself.
有无数次的机会背叛你自己。
To not live up to someone else’s standard of what was acceptable, of what was normal.
达不到别人所接受的正常标准。
And when you failed the test, which was guaranteed, there was a price to pay.
当你测验不及格时，这样的结果是可以预见的，你得付出代价。
Emotional. Psychological. Physical.
情感上的，心理上的，身体上的代价。
And like many of you, I paid that price, more than once, in a variety of ways.
就像你们大多数人一样，我不止一次以各种方式付出了代价。
The first time that I tried to kill myself, I was 15.
我第一次试图自杀，是在15岁。
I waited until my family went away for the weekend and I was alone in the house and I swallowed a bottle of pills.
我等到家人周末都出去以后，独自一人在家吞下了一整瓶药。
I don’t remember what happened over the next couple of days, but I’m pretty sure come Monday morning I was on the bus back to school, pretending everything was fine.
我不记得接下去的几天发生的事了。但我非常清楚的是，周一我又坐上校车去上学，假装一切都很好。
And when someone asked me if that was a cry for help, I say no, because I told no one.
有人问我，我这种自杀行为是不是在呼救，我说不是，因为我没告诉任何人。
You only cry for help if you believe there’s help to cry for.
你只有在相信呼救有用的情况下才会呼救。
And I didn’t. I wanted out. I wanted gone. At 15.
而我并没有看到这样的希望。我想摆脱这种痛苦，我想要结束一切。在我15岁的时候。
